Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Halton Lea
Clear all the shops out of there, fill it with smoke, install some neon lights, play some futuristic dance music and you have the biggest laser quest venue in the world.
things I see every day
Things I do not like to see on the high street:
1) Scally families. Today I saw an entire family dressed in shell suits. AN ENTIRE FAMILY. That's 3 generations of scum - kids, parents and grandparents - all wearing clothes designed for toddlers. I mean what the hell is wrong with these pricks? Generation after generation of wankers, all locked into a self-perpetuating cycle of misery and unemployment. My interest in getting out of Liverpool has soared as of late.
2) Charity muggers that look like bouncers. I swear to God today we gave £3 to someone who looked like they could have held their own on the Category A wing in Risley. He had tattoos on his hand for piss sake.
3) Slow walkers. I feel like punching these pigs in the back of the head. If you can't walk at more than 0.00001 mph then you should not be on the street. I don't care how old you are, how knackered your knees have become or how fucked your heart is. GET IT?
4) People who will happily shout a conversation across a busy shop without a care in the world.
5) When old people react to a tiny bit of rain as if it's the worst thing that could possibly happen. Cheer up nana. You're going to be cremated soon so enjoy life before it is torn away from you.
1) Scally families. Today I saw an entire family dressed in shell suits. AN ENTIRE FAMILY. That's 3 generations of scum - kids, parents and grandparents - all wearing clothes designed for toddlers. I mean what the hell is wrong with these pricks? Generation after generation of wankers, all locked into a self-perpetuating cycle of misery and unemployment. My interest in getting out of Liverpool has soared as of late.
2) Charity muggers that look like bouncers. I swear to God today we gave £3 to someone who looked like they could have held their own on the Category A wing in Risley. He had tattoos on his hand for piss sake.
3) Slow walkers. I feel like punching these pigs in the back of the head. If you can't walk at more than 0.00001 mph then you should not be on the street. I don't care how old you are, how knackered your knees have become or how fucked your heart is. GET IT?
4) People who will happily shout a conversation across a busy shop without a care in the world.
5) When old people react to a tiny bit of rain as if it's the worst thing that could possibly happen. Cheer up nana. You're going to be cremated soon so enjoy life before it is torn away from you.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
my idea for a TV prog
It's called......
THE FAT GET FATTER.
The idea behind it is quite simple. Take 10 normal, healthy human beings all of similar height, weight and age. Give them a time frame - 12 months should do - and an unlimited budget and see who can put on the most weight. If any of them dies as a result of the contest then so be it. The prize could be a speedboat or something.
THE FAT GET FATTER.
The idea behind it is quite simple. Take 10 normal, healthy human beings all of similar height, weight and age. Give them a time frame - 12 months should do - and an unlimited budget and see who can put on the most weight. If any of them dies as a result of the contest then so be it. The prize could be a speedboat or something.
Sunday bloody Sunday
Not a bad Sunday at all. Went into work for 2 hours this morning to try and get a head-start on tomorrow's activites, what good it has done is yet to be seen. Alas I have a clear conscience now which is the most important thing.
Highlight of the day was seeing the new Star Trek film. I really enjoyed this film, but then I am a massive fan of Star Trek in general so no surprises there. One thing I will say though is that it completely blows all other Star Trek films out of the water, especially the Next Generation ones. It makes me a bit sad because I do enjoy those Next Generation films but this is sooooooo different even non-Trekkie fans might enjoy it. It's by no means faultess but certainly a step forward in my book. Good cast too.
There's something about Star Trek that I find deeply comforting. It's probably a mixture of nostalgia and geekdom of the higest order.
Highlight of the day was seeing the new Star Trek film. I really enjoyed this film, but then I am a massive fan of Star Trek in general so no surprises there. One thing I will say though is that it completely blows all other Star Trek films out of the water, especially the Next Generation ones. It makes me a bit sad because I do enjoy those Next Generation films but this is sooooooo different even non-Trekkie fans might enjoy it. It's by no means faultess but certainly a step forward in my book. Good cast too.
There's something about Star Trek that I find deeply comforting. It's probably a mixture of nostalgia and geekdom of the higest order.
WWE wrestling
I had the opportunity to go and see the WWE wrestling at the Echo Arena last month. What a night that was! I used to be obsessed with wrestling as a child (back when it was called WWF) so owed it to myself and my family to go and see a live event.
Everyone knows it's fake and it *is* very corny. But it's also impossible not to get swept up in the excitement of the whole thing when you're there.
This got me to thinking. What is the most offensive thing you could do in front of an arena audience? I honestly believe that during the interlude I could have jumped the steel barrier, got in the ring and done one of the following:
1) Stripped off and rubbed shit into my dick.
2) Done a turd in the ring.
3) Stripped off and rammed something up my arse.
4) Dropped my kecks and spun round pissing.
5) Molested a child.
6) Windmilled my balls.
Any more suggestions?
Imagine molesting a child in front of a live audience! That would surely be a first.
Everyone knows it's fake and it *is* very corny. But it's also impossible not to get swept up in the excitement of the whole thing when you're there.
This got me to thinking. What is the most offensive thing you could do in front of an arena audience? I honestly believe that during the interlude I could have jumped the steel barrier, got in the ring and done one of the following:
1) Stripped off and rubbed shit into my dick.
2) Done a turd in the ring.
3) Stripped off and rammed something up my arse.
4) Dropped my kecks and spun round pissing.
5) Molested a child.
6) Windmilled my balls.
Any more suggestions?
Imagine molesting a child in front of a live audience! That would surely be a first.
Tyson
What the hell is it about Tyson that makes him so interesting? Normally I find sports people boring as watching salt dry but there's is something about this man that piques my interest. Have you seen him recently? My God! He's so fat that the Earth's orbit changes when he runs for a bus (if he could run that is, which he probably can't). Mind you he probably doesn't even use buses but you get my drift.
He's a like a small boy lost in the world, desperately hoping that someone will take him by the hand and tell him what to do. I mean what *is* the guy supposed to do? The only rod of consistency he's had in his life (apart from banging hookers in motel rooms) was ripped away from him when he went down for rape. Not that that was anyone's fault but his own, mind.
Imagine. A small boy lured into the multi-million dollar world of heavyweight boxing at a young age and then spat out the other end with nothing. I guess it's a bit like Michael Jackson all over again. Overnight becoming ridicuously famous and then losing the plot because nobody ever showed you right from wrong. I mean, the guy grew up in poverty for God's sake. Is it any wonder he went a bit mental when suddenly presented with enough money to rescure the world economy?
For all the negative things written about this prick I can only say boxing needs people like him. I don't mean rapists, I mean characters. I don't want to see fucking 7ft tall emotionless man-machines with fists the size of microwave ovens, I want *real* men with mental problems who are volatile and piss their money up the wall.
Here is a small, conceptual poem I wrote:
Iron Mike
Fresh from the streets
A Man with bad intentions
He will die
Alone
He's a like a small boy lost in the world, desperately hoping that someone will take him by the hand and tell him what to do. I mean what *is* the guy supposed to do? The only rod of consistency he's had in his life (apart from banging hookers in motel rooms) was ripped away from him when he went down for rape. Not that that was anyone's fault but his own, mind.
Imagine. A small boy lured into the multi-million dollar world of heavyweight boxing at a young age and then spat out the other end with nothing. I guess it's a bit like Michael Jackson all over again. Overnight becoming ridicuously famous and then losing the plot because nobody ever showed you right from wrong. I mean, the guy grew up in poverty for God's sake. Is it any wonder he went a bit mental when suddenly presented with enough money to rescure the world economy?
For all the negative things written about this prick I can only say boxing needs people like him. I don't mean rapists, I mean characters. I don't want to see fucking 7ft tall emotionless man-machines with fists the size of microwave ovens, I want *real* men with mental problems who are volatile and piss their money up the wall.
Here is a small, conceptual poem I wrote:
Iron Mike
Fresh from the streets
A Man with bad intentions
He will die
Alone
Sunday, 3 May 2009
Oasis
Can I just make something clear before I rant:
I like Oasis.
I don't own any of their albums but I think they've done some great songs. True, when they were a new and exciting band in the mid 90s I much preferred Blur (and still do to this day) but I always admired their punk edge and anthemic choruses. There's very few things that uplift me as much as the chorus of Aqcuiesce.
But what the fuck is up with these floppy haired, leather jacket wearing 'mad for it' pricks obsessed with everything Manchester? I mean, half of them live south of Birmingham! C'mon, you've met these guys too. They can be identified by certain characteristics:
1) Floppy, 'mod' style hair. A la Paul Weller.
2) Vaguely moddish clothing. Usually Levis, checked shirts and occasionally a parka.
3) An obsession with the Ocean Colour Scene, Stone Roses, Paul Weller, Morrissey and of course those walking shit farmers Oasis.
4) That cocky swagger as developed by Liam Gallagher.
5) Usually a bottle of beer in hand.
Where the hell do these worthless pieces of shit come from? Do they not realise it's 2009? Stearnebine needs to put the knowledge out there:
1) Oasis lost their edge 10 years ago. And that's being generous.
2) Weller should be ashamed of the crap he puts out now. The Jam were incredible, which makes his current status even more unforgivable.
3) Ian Brown needs to spend less time threatening air hostesses.
4) Ocean Colour Scene were never *anything* other than mod revivalists.
5) Manchester doesn't produce any good bands any more and hasn't for the past 10 years. So there.
We need to find a way to destroy these morons.
I like Oasis.
I don't own any of their albums but I think they've done some great songs. True, when they were a new and exciting band in the mid 90s I much preferred Blur (and still do to this day) but I always admired their punk edge and anthemic choruses. There's very few things that uplift me as much as the chorus of Aqcuiesce.
But what the fuck is up with these floppy haired, leather jacket wearing 'mad for it' pricks obsessed with everything Manchester? I mean, half of them live south of Birmingham! C'mon, you've met these guys too. They can be identified by certain characteristics:
1) Floppy, 'mod' style hair. A la Paul Weller.
2) Vaguely moddish clothing. Usually Levis, checked shirts and occasionally a parka.
3) An obsession with the Ocean Colour Scene, Stone Roses, Paul Weller, Morrissey and of course those walking shit farmers Oasis.
4) That cocky swagger as developed by Liam Gallagher.
5) Usually a bottle of beer in hand.
Where the hell do these worthless pieces of shit come from? Do they not realise it's 2009? Stearnebine needs to put the knowledge out there:
1) Oasis lost their edge 10 years ago. And that's being generous.
2) Weller should be ashamed of the crap he puts out now. The Jam were incredible, which makes his current status even more unforgivable.
3) Ian Brown needs to spend less time threatening air hostesses.
4) Ocean Colour Scene were never *anything* other than mod revivalists.
5) Manchester doesn't produce any good bands any more and hasn't for the past 10 years. So there.
We need to find a way to destroy these morons.
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