Money. Those who own a house think about it a lot. It appears to me that unless you're either Elton John or a hedgefund manager you will *never* have enough money to get your house the way you want it. This got me thinking of schemes to make a bit of the ol' filthy lucre.
1) A chain of shops called 'Rape'. In my minds eyes these would be clothing outlets, probably selling to the type of person who shops at Monsoon. As far as I know there's no law against giving a shop an unusual name. It might actually be an advantage in this harsh economic hinterland.
Come to think of it, there's no reason why this should be limited to clothing. Why not makeup, perfume, home furninshings and hairdressing? All under one roof!
2) A clothing range called 'Pisstank'. This would be ultra top-end stuff probably bought by Victoria Beckham and the like. Again, as far as I know there's nothing to stop me naming my own particular clothing in such a way. Naturally it would solely be stocked at Rape outlets.
3) Disposable hammers.
4) Mobile phones that ONLY TEXT AND MAKE PHONE CALLS. NOTHING ELSE. Call me a miserable bastard but I do not want a mobile phone that can record vidoes, take pictures, surf the web, play the radio and dial into fucking Nasa. I simply want a small, robust handset that features large buttons and a large screen that is CHEAP. Oh yeah, and the battery needs to last longer than a nano-second. Incredibly nothing seems to exist that fits these criteria.
5) Disposable mobile phones. Pay £100, when the credit is gone simply bin the bloody thing. That way you never end up with a handset that is out of date. Not that I care about such things.
6) Fizzy milk.
Now to give Theo Paphitis a ring. Or any of the Dragons for that matter.