Sunday, 31 May 2009

the place in which I live

If, like me, you live in a relatively poor area, you may wonder how on earth people can afford expensive cars.

I do too.

Why is it that the really, really ropey houses here all seem to have BMWs parked outside? When the day comes that I consider buying a BMW I can guarantee I will not live here.

Where do these people get their money from? They can’t all be drug dealers. And if they can afford a brand new Audi A6 why on earth do they live in Old Swan? It makes no sense. It’s like wearing a £2000 suit and dining in McDonalds.

I can only assume that these cars belong to young chaps who live rent-free with their parents and spend all their spare cash on a nice set of wheels. But come on, nobody has got a job in Liverpool any more. And who would be daft enough to leave a nice car unattended on the street here for more than 10 minutes? I feel twitchy as hell leaving my washing on the line over night.
Universal Truths

Never pass up the opportunity to use a toilet.

If I could only give one piece of advice to my future children it would be this. The amount of times I have been ‘caught short’ on car journeys, cinema trips, and shopping sprees would take a supercomputer to count. I swear once my bladder swelled up to the size of a space-hopper when I was stuck in traffic in Rusholme.

Never mix the grape and the grain.

I know it’s 4am. I know you’re already drunk. I know the bar is shut. I know all you’ve got left is an abandoned bottle of Pinot Grigio, but I promise you it’s not worth it. You will throw up behind a skip on the way home and your children will look at you with sad, tearful eyes.

However it is fully reasonable to mix the seed with the grape.

Most things can usually only be fixed a few times.

This can be applied to anything from clothing to brickwork. But my favourite example of this is my old bike. This thing cost £100 new and I was still using it 5 years later. Towards the end of its life it literally had no brakes, the chain was 2” shorter because the links kept breaking, the wheels had been hammered back into shape 2 million times and the seat was smelly. I replaced it and people stopped hating me.

It’s worth paying out for a good quality car.

Generally if you’ve got a car more than 10 years old with more than 100k miles on you should replace it. Forking out for something that runs is preferable to breaking down on the Runcorn-Widnes bridge every day.

If you can avoid working then do

As long as I don’t have to foot the bill for it.

Don’t ever expect to be home when your parcel arrives.

I guarantee no matter carefully you plan your schedule you will still not be home when those printer cartridges turn up. They will be signed for by a neighbour who will promptly sell them on Ebay.

Every year on Britain’s Got Talent there will be a mock-classical artist

They will either sing Nessun Dorma or play futuristic violins. They will be terrible. However sometimes they will be quite fit.

Lorry drivers are all lying, murdering scumbags who should be avoided like big AIDS.


Things I have noticed about supermarkets:

1) The checkout girls will *always* be engaged in a conversation with each other. Sometimes this conversation will span 3 or 4 tills, like some EPOS coffee morning type situation. They will not greet you, talk to you, or look you in the eye. They will however scan things so fast that you do not stand a chance of getting them bagged up quickly enough. Then they will ask you if you have a loyalty card even though you have already offered it to them. They will not bid you farewell.

2) There will always be a token member of staff that suffers from Downs Syndrome. Why?

3) Whichever queue you join, the person in front of you will choose to cash in 2 years worth of tokens. They will then forget 4 items and go looking for them.

4) Some idiot will try and pay for their entire 6-child monthly shop at the cigarette kiosk. They will then not understand why they have to queue up again at the normal tills.

5) Some idiot will ask for cigarettes at the normal checkout and then express dismay when this cannot be accommodated for.

6) The person in front of you will not be able to use the self-service tills. Every single item that they scan will require the assistance of a fat, red-faced and overworked customer service advisor. They will somehow scan some nuts and the till will think it is an angle-poise lamp. You will be charged for the lamp and then be unable to get a refund.

7) There will be a gang of OAPs who will block the entire isle. Every sector of the supermarket will grind to a halt when they are there.

8) The chaps who work on the produce isle will look like youth offenders. They will be shaven-headed, not know the difference between a cauliflower and a melon, have hatred in their eyes and allow food to fall on the floor.

9) The security staff will look bored.

10) There will always be a sad looking dog tied up outside. Usually a Westie.

11) There will always be a downtrodden husband smoking outside. He is so addicted to nicotine that he cannot last the duration of the weekly shop without a crafty fag.

12) If you shop at Tesco it will always have expanded since you were last there.

13) Invariably a charity will be shaking tins outside asking for your money. You will lie to them on the way in and then on the way out again.

14) There will be someone hopelessly trying to get people to join the AA in the car park. They will have a miniature kiosk. They will look unhappy.

15) You will examine the clothing but then decide it is all awful.

16) Despite Tesco promising to open adjacent tills if you’re are in a queue they will not do this.

17) There is never baskets to hand when you need them.

18) There will always be large, executive cars parked in the disabled bays next to the shop entrance. The only disability these people will suffer from is a fat arse.

19) There is always a shop assistant restocking the shelf you need to get to, blocking all the shelves with large metal crates.

20) Occasionally a tramp will enter the shop and head for the booze aisle. The security guards will spring to life, follow him over, realise he stinks of shit and then leave him be

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Newspaper headlines I would like to see

Queen inherits rat
Man found living in hollowed out buffalo
North sea declared 'too salty'
Brian May gang raped
Single wasp terrorises family for 5 generations
Bob Dylan 'all wrong inside'
Goose found on Mars
Ape rides horse
Hulk Hogan seen disguised as orange

Thursday, 21 May 2009

More things I have noticed about buses

1) They're always filthy. Even first thing in the morning. Has anyone *ever* been on a bus that isn't riddled with disease?
2) There is always folded up bus tickets pressed into the rubber seal that surrounds the windows.
3) Someone always gets on just for one stop.
4) Two old women will be talking very loudly about FUCK ALL.
5) You will get a cold from the man constantly sneezing behind you.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Mad Frank

I was recently re-reading one of Mad Frankie Frasers memoirs. In this particular one he itemises each major city and the mischief he has been involved with in the past 70 years. The entry for Liverpool emphasises that he hardly did anything worth mentioning, other than.....


That's *all* it was.

I mean, how criminally minded must the man be if he barely mentions frying someone alive?

Good boy Frank!

20 things to do before I die

Some of these are more realistic than others.

1) Drive up one of those car transporters you occasionally see parked at the side of motorways. At 70mph.
2) Go mental with a flamethrower in a public place.
3) Wire my head up to the mains.
4) Wire a kitchen appliance directly into the wall. No plug or anything, just solder the wires into the terminals.
5) Walk sideways down the street dressed as a ninja.
6) Smuggle some drums into a cinema and start playing them mid film.
7) Open the coolant-opening on the back of a bus. The ones that say 'do not open'.
8) Find someone in a wheelchair and somehow attach it to the front of a lorry.
9) Mount a machine gun on the bonnet of my car.
10) Steal a crucifix from a church and mount it on my car.
11) Make tea in my mouth.
12) Make Brian May's life a misery for a bit. Just a bit.
13) Release a lion into a pub.
14) Drive a car into the sea.
15) Drive a JCB.
16) Take a huge ladder on the bus.
17) Fire a shotgun from a moving car. Terminator style.
18) Solve a massive crime.

Anyone got any more?

Cumfy Bus

Can anyone explain to me where these Cumfy Buses have come from? The first time I caught one was very early in the morning over Christmas. They're a different colour to normal buses, have fucking balloons painted on the side, go on insane routes and only seem to charge £1. And there is never, *ever* anyone else on them. Has someone set up their own little bus company to undercut those Arriva wankers?

Who knows!

Crazy woman

There is a woman who lives in the top half of our street known to me and Lyns simply as 'crazy woman'. All day, every day she stands on her doorstep and talks to passers in the street. The first time I encountered her she pressed a crisp £20 note into the palm of my hand and the following conversation took place:

Me: What's this for? (holding £20 note)
Her: Can you do me a favour?
Me: Okay (confused....very confused)
Her: Can you go to the off license for me?
Me: Okay (in a moment of madness). What do you want?
Her: You can get these fruit drinks, they're in amongst the wines.
Me: Okay. How many?
Her: 7 bottles.
Me: 7? Okay.

At this point I walked off with the money, came to my senses, returned back and told her I was too busy. There's no way I'm feeding this bitch's booze habit. Her husband will probably kick the shit out of me, poor man. No wonder he takes her door keys with him when he goes out.

Because she stands on the doorstep all bloody day we've started using an adjacent street just to avoid her. Yet another reason to get out of Liverpool.

Such is life.

makes me sick

John Lyndon doing a butter advert. I mean, doesn't it make you question everything? He used to slag Joe Strummer off saying he was a fake and a charlatan. Not true. Strummer never tried to hide the fact he was middle-class. Strummer was in fact furious when Mick Jones allowed a Clash song to be used for a jeans advert. What an obnoxious, hypocritical prick John Lyndon actually is. And don't try and tell me you're short of money because you clearly aren't!

Whatever next, Ian McKaye doing B&Q commercials?

Maybe Fred Dibnah advertising the Ministry Of Sound 2009?

the ultimate antidote to this ridiculous world

Things that make me unexpectedly cheerful:

1) You Can Call Me Al - I find it impossible to be in a bad mood when listening to this song.
2) Stroking a donkey
3) Watching the rain through a window
4) Being in Liverpool centre without actually having to go to work
5) The Apprentice
6) Top Gear (I know it's wrong)
7) Peep Show (nothing beats it)
8) The warmth of the 10A bus when being stood in the cold (not too warm though).
9) An open fire. Must make sure our next house has one.
10) A hot bath
11) Reading

I still maintain that the most relaxing experience I have ever had in my entire life was on holiday in St Davids. I was surrounded by friends, lying across two old arms chairs pushed together, reading a book about Henry Cooper, sipping red wine and enjoying a roaring open fire. My God it was good.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Queen, the early days.

In the early days Queen's tour bus was known as the Sugary Rumour. According to drummer Roger this was because once in 1971 Brian opened a can of Tizer, spraying himself and the driver with the the sticky red ooze in the process. To this day Brain claims to "fucking detest that stuff, man" (Tizer). Interestingly if you note the colour of Brian's 'Red Special' trademark guitar you cannot argue that the colour is anything other than Tizer Red. Owing to the embarassing nature of the incident and Brian's swift denial, this quickly became folklore amongst the band and roadcrew. Only the most cynical of Queen fans would refute the accuracy of this theory.

But one thing we are certain of this this; Freddie Mercury was born with his neck as an internal organ. It wasn't until the age of 15 that Fred's family were able to afford an operation to extend his neck out of his torso, thus stretching his vocal chords in the process and giving him his unique singing voice. To see Freddie as a school child it was clear that his school friends had long, sexy necks. But Fred's chin clearly rested on his chest, even when gazing up at the constellation Alpha Centauri on a clear summers eve. Upon asking Fred's mother about this in 1997 she said:

"It was clear that Freddie was fucked from a young age. The prick's neck was buried in his chest like some kind of fucked up mine shaft. A local vicar suggested holding a Blue Peter bring-and-buy sale to raise money for Freddie's operation. We raised £38 that day and booked Freddie into Kidongo Chekundo hospital 3 years later."


No bus is complete without the following:

1) At least one person that stinks of shit. Usually sat next to you.
2) Someone either coughing or sneezing constantly. Usually sat next to you.
3) An empty beer can rolling around on the floor. Usually spilling onto your shoes.
4) A pram containing a screaming child. Again, this will be very close to you.
5) Someone in a suit talking loudly on a mobile phone. They will be sat next to you.
6) Phlegm on the floor. And on the soles of your shoes.
7) Either hotter than the sun or colder than outer space.
8) A bus driver that will not even look at (let alone speak to) you when you pay the fare.
9) One of those asthmatic, sweating, red-faced, 30 stone, NHS-draining life insurance risks that probably claim their immense size is due to hormones. They will be wheezing but won't sit next to you as their fat arse doesn't leave room for two.
10) A toddler that may run up and down the bus only stopping to stare at you. They will drop their dummy or toy on the floor and their mother will simply place it back in the childs mouth.
11) An old man trying to carry 6 bags of shopping and a small dog. When he tries to carry the bags he will let go of the dog, which will then terrorise everyone on the bus. Then when he goes to retrieve the dog his shopping bags will fall over and and spread their contents around the floor of the bus. This cycle will happen 3 or 4 times in the space of a 10 minute journey.

Halton Lea

Clear all the shops out of there, fill it with smoke, install some neon lights, play some futuristic dance music and you have the biggest laser quest venue in the world.

things I see every day

Things I do not like to see on the high street:

1) Scally families. Today I saw an entire family dressed in shell suits. AN ENTIRE FAMILY. That's 3 generations of scum - kids, parents and grandparents - all wearing clothes designed for toddlers. I mean what the hell is wrong with these pricks? Generation after generation of wankers, all locked into a self-perpetuating cycle of misery and unemployment. My interest in getting out of Liverpool has soared as of late.

2) Charity muggers that look like bouncers. I swear to God today we gave £3 to someone who looked like they could have held their own on the Category A wing in Risley. He had tattoos on his hand for piss sake.

3) Slow walkers. I feel like punching these pigs in the back of the head. If you can't walk at more than 0.00001 mph then you should not be on the street. I don't care how old you are, how knackered your knees have become or how fucked your heart is. GET IT?

4) People who will happily shout a conversation across a busy shop without a care in the world.

5) When old people react to a tiny bit of rain as if it's the worst thing that could possibly happen. Cheer up nana. You're going to be cremated soon so enjoy life before it is torn away from you.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

my idea for a TV prog

It's called......


The idea behind it is quite simple. Take 10 normal, healthy human beings all of similar height, weight and age. Give them a time frame - 12 months should do - and an unlimited budget and see who can put on the most weight. If any of them dies as a result of the contest then so be it. The prize could be a speedboat or something.

Sunday bloody Sunday

Not a bad Sunday at all. Went into work for 2 hours this morning to try and get a head-start on tomorrow's activites, what good it has done is yet to be seen. Alas I have a clear conscience now which is the most important thing.

Highlight of the day was seeing the new Star Trek film. I really enjoyed this film, but then I am a massive fan of Star Trek in general so no surprises there. One thing I will say though is that it completely blows all other Star Trek films out of the water, especially the Next Generation ones. It makes me a bit sad because I do enjoy those Next Generation films but this is sooooooo different even non-Trekkie fans might enjoy it. It's by no means faultess but certainly a step forward in my book. Good cast too.

There's something about Star Trek that I find deeply comforting. It's probably a mixture of nostalgia and geekdom of the higest order.

WWE wrestling

I had the opportunity to go and see the WWE wrestling at the Echo Arena last month. What a night that was! I used to be obsessed with wrestling as a child (back when it was called WWF) so owed it to myself and my family to go and see a live event.

Everyone knows it's fake and it *is* very corny. But it's also impossible not to get swept up in the excitement of the whole thing when you're there.

This got me to thinking. What is the most offensive thing you could do in front of an arena audience? I honestly believe that during the interlude I could have jumped the steel barrier, got in the ring and done one of the following:

1) Stripped off and rubbed shit into my dick.
2) Done a turd in the ring.
3) Stripped off and rammed something up my arse.
4) Dropped my kecks and spun round pissing.
5) Molested a child.
6) Windmilled my balls.

Any more suggestions?

Imagine molesting a child in front of a live audience! That would surely be a first.


What the hell is it about Tyson that makes him so interesting? Normally I find sports people boring as watching salt dry but there's is something about this man that piques my interest. Have you seen him recently? My God! He's so fat that the Earth's orbit changes when he runs for a bus (if he could run that is, which he probably can't). Mind you he probably doesn't even use buses but you get my drift.

He's a like a small boy lost in the world, desperately hoping that someone will take him by the hand and tell him what to do. I mean what *is* the guy supposed to do? The only rod of consistency he's had in his life (apart from banging hookers in motel rooms) was ripped away from him when he went down for rape. Not that that was anyone's fault but his own, mind.

Imagine. A small boy lured into the multi-million dollar world of heavyweight boxing at a young age and then spat out the other end with nothing. I guess it's a bit like Michael Jackson all over again. Overnight becoming ridicuously famous and then losing the plot because nobody ever showed you right from wrong. I mean, the guy grew up in poverty for God's sake. Is it any wonder he went a bit mental when suddenly presented with enough money to rescure the world economy?

For all the negative things written about this prick I can only say boxing needs people like him. I don't mean rapists, I mean characters. I don't want to see fucking 7ft tall emotionless man-machines with fists the size of microwave ovens, I want *real* men with mental problems who are volatile and piss their money up the wall.

Here is a small, conceptual poem I wrote:

Iron Mike
Fresh from the streets
A Man with bad intentions
He will die

Sunday, 3 May 2009


Can I just make something clear before I rant:

I like Oasis.

I don't own any of their albums but I think they've done some great songs. True, when they were a new and exciting band in the mid 90s I much preferred Blur (and still do to this day) but I always admired their punk edge and anthemic choruses. There's very few things that uplift me as much as the chorus of Aqcuiesce.

But what the fuck is up with these floppy haired, leather jacket wearing 'mad for it' pricks obsessed with everything Manchester? I mean, half of them live south of Birmingham! C'mon, you've met these guys too. They can be identified by certain characteristics:

1) Floppy, 'mod' style hair. A la Paul Weller.
2) Vaguely moddish clothing. Usually Levis, checked shirts and occasionally a parka.
3) An obsession with the Ocean Colour Scene, Stone Roses, Paul Weller, Morrissey and of course those walking shit farmers Oasis.
4) That cocky swagger as developed by Liam Gallagher.
5) Usually a bottle of beer in hand.

Where the hell do these worthless pieces of shit come from? Do they not realise it's 2009? Stearnebine needs to put the knowledge out there:

1) Oasis lost their edge 10 years ago. And that's being generous.
2) Weller should be ashamed of the crap he puts out now. The Jam were incredible, which makes his current status even more unforgivable.
3) Ian Brown needs to spend less time threatening air hostesses.
4) Ocean Colour Scene were never *anything* other than mod revivalists.
5) Manchester doesn't produce any good bands any more and hasn't for the past 10 years. So there.

We need to find a way to destroy these morons.