Buses

No bus is complete without the following:

1) At least one person that stinks of shit. Usually sat next to you.
2) Someone either coughing or sneezing constantly. Usually sat next to you.
3) An empty beer can rolling around on the floor. Usually spilling onto your shoes.
4) A pram containing a screaming child. Again, this will be very close to you.
5) Someone in a suit talking loudly on a mobile phone. They will be sat next to you.
6) Phlegm on the floor. And on the soles of your shoes.
7) Either hotter than the sun or colder than outer space.
8) A bus driver that will not even look at (let alone speak to) you when you pay the fare.
9) One of those asthmatic, sweating, red-faced, 30 stone, NHS-draining life insurance risks that probably claim their immense size is due to hormones. They will be wheezing but won't sit next to you as their fat arse doesn't leave room for two.
10) A toddler that may run up and down the bus only stopping to stare at you. They will drop their dummy or toy on the floor and their mother will simply place it back in the childs mouth.
11) An old man trying to carry 6 bags of shopping and a small dog. When he tries to carry the bags he will let go of the dog, which will then terrorise everyone on the bus. Then when he goes to retrieve the dog his shopping bags will fall over and and spread their contents around the floor of the bus. This cycle will happen 3 or 4 times in the space of a 10 minute journey.