Universal Truths

Never pass up the opportunity to use a toilet.

If I could only give one piece of advice to my future children it would be this. The amount of times I have been ‘caught short’ on car journeys, cinema trips, and shopping sprees would take a supercomputer to count. I swear once my bladder swelled up to the size of a space-hopper when I was stuck in traffic in Rusholme.

Never mix the grape and the grain.

I know it’s 4am. I know you’re already drunk. I know the bar is shut. I know all you’ve got left is an abandoned bottle of Pinot Grigio, but I promise you it’s not worth it. You will throw up behind a skip on the way home and your children will look at you with sad, tearful eyes.

However it is fully reasonable to mix the seed with the grape.

Most things can usually only be fixed a few times.

This can be applied to anything from clothing to brickwork. But my favourite example of this is my old bike. This thing cost £100 new and I was still using it 5 years later. Towards the end of its life it literally had no brakes, the chain was 2” shorter because the links kept breaking, the wheels had been hammered back into shape 2 million times and the seat was smelly. I replaced it and people stopped hating me.


It’s worth paying out for a good quality car.

Generally if you’ve got a car more than 10 years old with more than 100k miles on you should replace it. Forking out for something that runs is preferable to breaking down on the Runcorn-Widnes bridge every day.

If you can avoid working then do

As long as I don’t have to foot the bill for it.

Don’t ever expect to be home when your parcel arrives.

I guarantee no matter carefully you plan your schedule you will still not be home when those printer cartridges turn up. They will be signed for by a neighbour who will promptly sell them on Ebay.

Every year on Britain’s Got Talent there will be a mock-classical artist

They will either sing Nessun Dorma or play futuristic violins. They will be terrible. However sometimes they will be quite fit.

Lorry drivers are all lying, murdering scumbags who should be avoided like big AIDS.