Sunday, 31 May 2009


Things I have noticed about supermarkets:

1) The checkout girls will *always* be engaged in a conversation with each other. Sometimes this conversation will span 3 or 4 tills, like some EPOS coffee morning type situation. They will not greet you, talk to you, or look you in the eye. They will however scan things so fast that you do not stand a chance of getting them bagged up quickly enough. Then they will ask you if you have a loyalty card even though you have already offered it to them. They will not bid you farewell.

2) There will always be a token member of staff that suffers from Downs Syndrome. Why?

3) Whichever queue you join, the person in front of you will choose to cash in 2 years worth of tokens. They will then forget 4 items and go looking for them.

4) Some idiot will try and pay for their entire 6-child monthly shop at the cigarette kiosk. They will then not understand why they have to queue up again at the normal tills.

5) Some idiot will ask for cigarettes at the normal checkout and then express dismay when this cannot be accommodated for.

6) The person in front of you will not be able to use the self-service tills. Every single item that they scan will require the assistance of a fat, red-faced and overworked customer service advisor. They will somehow scan some nuts and the till will think it is an angle-poise lamp. You will be charged for the lamp and then be unable to get a refund.

7) There will be a gang of OAPs who will block the entire isle. Every sector of the supermarket will grind to a halt when they are there.

8) The chaps who work on the produce isle will look like youth offenders. They will be shaven-headed, not know the difference between a cauliflower and a melon, have hatred in their eyes and allow food to fall on the floor.

9) The security staff will look bored.

10) There will always be a sad looking dog tied up outside. Usually a Westie.

11) There will always be a downtrodden husband smoking outside. He is so addicted to nicotine that he cannot last the duration of the weekly shop without a crafty fag.

12) If you shop at Tesco it will always have expanded since you were last there.

13) Invariably a charity will be shaking tins outside asking for your money. You will lie to them on the way in and then on the way out again.

14) There will be someone hopelessly trying to get people to join the AA in the car park. They will have a miniature kiosk. They will look unhappy.

15) You will examine the clothing but then decide it is all awful.

16) Despite Tesco promising to open adjacent tills if you’re are in a queue they will not do this.

17) There is never baskets to hand when you need them.

18) There will always be large, executive cars parked in the disabled bays next to the shop entrance. The only disability these people will suffer from is a fat arse.

19) There is always a shop assistant restocking the shelf you need to get to, blocking all the shelves with large metal crates.

20) Occasionally a tramp will enter the shop and head for the booze aisle. The security guards will spring to life, follow him over, realise he stinks of shit and then leave him be

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