Stuff I would like to do

Things I want to do before I die

1) Drive up an empty car transporter at high speed.

Everyone has drives has been tempted to do this. Occasionally I see empty car transporters parked at the side of the road, I feel they’d make excellent ramps for a high-speed jump.

2) Do a lock-up on a full McDonalds.

Me and Tucker have already locked an entire audience into a cinema screen mid-film, but I want to repeat the stunt on a packed McDonalds. I would be so amazing. Imagine the instant panic.

3) Have a go in a digger.

I’ve heard rumours that a place called Digger World exists where members of the public can pay a fee then rag a digger round a field all day. This is my idea of the perfect afternoon. Just imagine it; being completely untrained and then attempting to pilot something as awesomely destructive and potentially dangerous as a JCB. And it’s legal.

4) Hug a bear.

I don’t care if it’s incredibly dangerous, I want to hug/wrestle a bear (preferably a polar) at some point in my life.

5) Throw a freshly prepared plate of dinner on the floor.

I mean, does anyone else get the urge to do this? Whenever I’m presented with a lovingly prepared meal I get a powerful lust to hurl it away.

6) Fire a machine gun.

Steve Carpenter has fired an AK47, the bastard. I’m jealous. The closest I’ve come is popping a few caps on a 12-bore shotgun. Take it from me, it nearly rips your bloody shoulder off.

7) Wire a plug up wrong.

I’ve heard that it blows the house up.

8) Pour a bottle of wine into an expensive piano.

I got this idea from Guy Stevens, legendary Clash producer.

9) Dump twenty quids worth of coppers into the coin receptacle at the entrance of the Birkenhead tunnel.

The beauty of this is that NO COPPER COINS is clearly stated on the booths. After dumping the change I would hopefully be challenged by the member of staff manning the toll gate, and would respond indignantly “it says there (pointing at sign) you can only use copper coins mate.”

10) Renovate and redecorate someone’s house whilst they are on holiday.

Imagine how confusing it would be if one returned from a holiday to find that their house had been tastefully and comprehensively messed with by an anonymous third party. If only I had the money…….